Humor

What would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phones?
  • We would always carry it around in our purses or pockets.
  • We would always turn back to go get it if we forgot it.
  • We would flip through it several times a day.
  • We would use it to receive messages from the text.
  • We would treat it like we couldn't live without it.
  • We would give it to kids as gifts.
  • We would use it as we traveled.
  • We would use it in case of an emergency.

Unlike our cell phone, we don't ever have to worry about our bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill!
                                                   _______________________________

Deacon Meeting

Jerry Clower told about his Uncle Percy Ledbetter who was a deacon in his church and how as he was getting up in years he didn't go to a lot
of the deacon meetings. Uncle Percy figured he'd let the younger fellers, those in their 50's and 60's, have a chance to run things.

One day he heard the deacons were going to meet to discuss buying a new chandelier for the church. So Uncle Percy got his grandson to drive
him to the meeting.

At the meeting the chairman of the deacons announced that they had a motion to buy a new chandelier for the church and then someone else
seconded the motion and the chairman asked if there was any discussion.

Uncle Percy announced he had something to say.

He said, “First that there isn't anyone in the room who could spell the word "chandelier" to order one from the Sears and Roebuck catalog.

“Second,” he said, “there isn't anyone in the church that could play a chandelier if they had one.”

“And third if they were going to spend any money at all they should spend it on something they really needed, like better lights in the church!”
                                          ______________________________

MEMO FROM THE PULPIT COMMITTEE

"At your instructions, we have considered a number of candidates to fill our pulpit vacancy. After much investigation, here are our conclusions
and recommendations:

1. Noah. A moral and upstanding man, strong family. Good pulpit man. Has more than 120 years preaching experience, but as far as we can
tell, not one single convert.

2. Moses. He stutters. Shows evidence of impatience and a fiery temper. There was a rumor that we could not verify that he had killed
someone with his bare hands. Hardly the kind of man we need in deacon's meetings.

3. Abraham. Ran away to Egypt when times got hard. Got into trouble with the authorities and tried to lie his way out of it.

4. David. Excellent leadership qualities, but unacceptable moral character. Abused his position of power. When he got into trouble he attempted
an elaborate cover-up scheme. We might have considered him for a position of Minister of Music had he not fallen.

5. Solomon. Has a wide reputation for wisdom, but doesn't practice what he preaches. Evidence of marriage problems.

6. Elijah. Excellent physical health, and a strong preacher. But known to fold under pressure. Given to bouts of depression.

7. Isaiah. A man of unclean lips. He even admits it.

8. Amos. No seminary training. Seems to be good at agriculture...especially fig farming.

9. John the Baptist. A great pulpiteer. A strong Baptist. But, he lacks tact and manners. Dresses like a hippie.

10. Peter. On more than one occasion has actually denied that he even knew Jesus. Hardly the man we need to lead us in an aggressive
outreach program.

11. Paul. Has a reputation for long sermons that put people to sleep. Has self-published a number of books, but they don't seem to have been
widely read. His appearance is below our standards.

12. Timothy. Has potential, but a bit young. Has been known to run home to Mama when the going gets rough. Has a history of bad health...
particulary stomach trouble. 13. Jesus of Nazareth. Can't seem to preach without offending large segments of the congregation. He has, on
occasion, actually been run out of town. There is some cloud over his family background. He has no formal training. His style of preaching is
way too simple. In general is far too controversial.

However, there is one man that stands out above the rest. He is a people-person and compassionate. He is concerned about the poor. Yet, he
evidences great initiative in a practical way. He is concerned about waste. He is an excellent fund-raiser and has experience dealing with the rich
and powerful. Therefore, our Committee unanimously recommends, for your consideration, as our next pastor...14. Judas Iscariot."
                                     ___________________________________
PRAISE THE LORD!

There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted:

"PRAISE THE LORD!"

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after
her and yell: " THERE IS NO LORD!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted:

"PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!"

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

"PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted:

"PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"
                                           _______________________________________________________
                                                                                       http://www.freewill-predestination.com/